Surviving Covid-19 Pandemic Lockdown
Lockdown. lockdown, lockdown – now abound in our parlance, often stirring up strange, sometimes forgotten feelings. Time is of abundance and yet it is hard to think clearly, hard to be creative with words, whether in my wakefulness or slumber. I have struggled with writing. Strange for me because I love putting pan to paper. Then there is this thing about dreaming – lately I hardly dream, or if I do I do not remember what I dreamt about. That too is strange as I usually have vivid dreams that lend themselves to plenty of interpretation. What do I make of this, I ponder…
Earlier this week I reacted to a meme of a public figure dancing in the rain. I typed a comment about how beautiful it was that this person seems to be enjoying the rain, reconnecting to life’s simple pleasures. I pressed the send button, back to sender. This innocuous comment drew unexpected criticism and judgment about acceptable and unacceptable behaviour for this public figure. Somehow dancing in the rain was now placed squarely in the box of unacceptable behaviour for public figures. First, I was stunned and that feeling rapidly transformed into one of annoyance. When I caught my breath, I decided to take a moment to reflect on my state of bother. As a psychologist I have had the privilege of becoming well acquainted with the art of self-reflection and appreciate the value of looking beyond the obvious. I asked the self: what exactly could be seeding my gnawing annoyance? As I reached for the “coping with COVID -19 workbook” from my therapist (and if you are gasping in surprise, yes therapists have therapy too, we are human after all) to capture my emotions and thoughts, it dawned on me that what I was faced with is a feeling of nothingness, stuck-ness, a lack of control, and stifling confinement.
As I reflected more on my reaction to the meme, I was reminded of my own unusual behavior earlier in the week. I too, in all my consciousness, had decided to go for a short walk within the complex where I live. As I stepped outside and looked up to the sky, dark clouds, pregnant with rain, met my gaze. I proceeded with my walk anyway. Within minutes, the inevitable happened – the heavens let go a mighty thundershower that quickly drenched my hair and shoulders. The more the rain pelted, the slower I walked, yet something was awakened in my senses. It was a familiar, child-like kind of blissful, carefree, liberating sense of being. That lifting feeling of children at play.
Walking back to my apartment, soaking wet, my feet making a squishy, splashy sound in my shoes with each step, I felt like a child again. I quickly dried myself and grabbed my workbook. It struck me, as the words trickled onto it, that this was not the first time I felt childlike this week. I recalled an incident earlier in the week where I stood outside my front door waiting for the wet floor I had just mopped to dry up. Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of the big old tree in the yard, some of its leaves turning a pale yellow as the summer warmth gives way to a windy autumn. Its branches stuck out gently, invitingly – I wanted to climb that tree! My responsible adult self screamed, “have you lost your marbles…are you…? But my newly awakened COVID-19 lockdown-inspired childlike self, whispered gently, and reassuringly – “why not, give it a try, it’s not like you’re in a hurry anyway…”, and I yielded. As I climbed back down, giddy with adventurous excitement and grateful I had not slipped and fallen, it dawned on me that the last time I climbed a tree was when I was a teenager back in boarding school. It was a mulberry tree, more about that mulberry tree another time…
So what is this tree climbing and dancing in the rain all about then? The pause that the lockdown is affording us has the potential to awaken and reconnect us with our child-like selves – our more playful and creative selves. Whilst acknowledging the anger, the anxiety and frustration of our collective confinement and stuck-ness, we must also allow ourselves to harness other possibilities like rediscovering different aspects of our beautiful selves. In the words of Albert Einstein: “Play is the highest form of research”. If we are to become more aware of ourselves, it is important that we embark on that important thorny journey of self-reflection so as to identify, understand and take ownership of our own feelings. This can help us to have more meaningful relationships. As I reflected on the self, I could not help but wonder why someone would react angrily to something as natural as a free-spirited dance in the rain? Could it perhaps be that this simple act stirred up some fears about not being contained or looked after by those we consider as authority figures during this existential crisis we find ourselves in? I may be wrong, I may be right, but it matters not. For now, I am going to relish the playfulness that has rekindled my writing creativity.